Here Today Czar Tomorrow

Am I the only person who feels like the United States of America has fallen victim to some eastern European takeover? If it's not some kind of conspiratorial takeover than it’s at least a linguistic takeover.

Just a year ago today the world was a different place. I could breathe (my heavily polluted valley air) deeply and know that I was living in a truly free country. I could speak to my neighbors, and aside from the occasional Spanish and French lingo with words such as taco, tortilla, French fries, and Paris Hilton, we were virtually united behind the great language of English.

But just one year later all that would change. One year later we would see…the invasion of the Czars. It seems like these days we have, or will have soon, a Czar for everything. We have drug Czars, Car Czars, and Barack Obama announced today the brand new position of Global Warming Czar.

Hey President Obama, buddy, I think the term Czar died off (literally) in Russia for a reason. Maybe the government ought to look that reason up before we keep naming a new Czar for every crisis real and imagined which the government wants to fix.

Anybody remember learning about Czar Ivan the terrible? Yeah, the dude who scooped out the eyes of the guy who designed St. Basil's Cathedral, yeah, that dude. He’s a Czar. He was the first Czar of Russia and even though the rest of them couldn’t get much worse they sure didn’t get much better. It’s as if the Romanov’s have come back from the dead! (Or maybe, Anastasia did really escape.)

So what exactly do these Czars (here in the free world) do? Well according to the Wall Street Journal, “An auto czar would have broad powers to push the auto makers, their banks, creditors, suppliers and the union to give concessions to put GM and Chrysler on a path to profitability.”

What! What’s up with this “push” stuff. What do you mean he’s going to push the auto makers… their banks… their creditors… their suppliers… and last of all the union. Push! Puuusshhh!? What is this guy? The Secretary of Domestic Automotive Development? The Car Wimp? No, he’s the Car CZAR.

If we’re naming a Car Czar I was thinking something like, "there will be profitability, or there will be eyeballs rolling on the floor." (And even if there is profitability, there still might be eyeballs rolling on the floor anyway. Depends on the mood the Car Czar.)

Ahem, allow me, Wall Street Journal, to tell you the real power of a Car Czar. “An auto Czar would have the broad powers to break the arms of any wimp CEO who won’t sell his private jet, could burn down any bank unwilling to cooperate, release the blood hounds on any creditor who won’t lend, loot any supplier, and titty twist the union to give concessions to put GM and Chrysler on the fast lane to profitability and world domination.”

NOW THAT, my friends, IS A CAR CZAR!!!

Another thing I’ve been wondering, do you think Hilary is getting jealous that she’s not a Czar. Because honestly, who wants to be secretary of state, when you can be the Peace Czar. I actually like the idea of having a Peace Czar.

Can you imagine Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or Kim Jong-il sitting at the negotiation table with the American Peace Czar? Especially if that Czar is Hillary Clinton. I don’t know about you but if I were any despot or thug, the last man, or in this case woman, I’d want to negotiate with would be the American Peace Czar.

When Barack Obama said that he was willing to meet with Iran, North Korean, Cuba, Venezuela, Darth Vader, Lord Voldemort, Lex Luther, the Joker, and Shredder without preconditions... he meant it. What he didn’t tell you is that there would be post conditions. “Sign the treaty or the Peace Czar scoops your eyes out of your skull. It’s your choice foo.”

And why stop with the Drug Czar, Car Czar, Global Warming Czar and Peace Czar? Imagine, the Oil Czar: Oil’s down below 30 dollars a barrel. The Health Care Czar: Everyone gets cheap health insurance or the companies get dissolved and their building gets bulldozed witht the evil board memebers still inside. The Health Czar: Everyone eats right, doesn’t smoke, gets plenty of exercise and sleep or they get hit by a Ford Focus. (I was trying to go bigger but alas, I remembered the Car Czar.)

Man, if only our founding fathers understood government as well as we do now. They would have abandoned their medieval system of checks and balances, restricting government, seperation of powers and just let Czars run the whole thing

“If men were angels they would need no government, or if angels could descend and govern men there would be no need for checks internal or external. So we said what the heck and put Czars in place.” Jason Bentley updating the words of James Madison to the 21st century.

Jason Bentley is just a punk college kid who is attending Brigham Young University.